The essentials
- Tell children the truth — Euphemisms like a pet is lost or passed away may seem kinder than the truth that a pet has died, but typically statements like these only confuse children more.
- Share your own grief — Grieving is a natural part of life and can be shared as a family. It looks different for everyone, especially kids who tend to grieve in spurts.
- Include your child when memorializing a pet — Children can and should be involved in saying goodbye to a beloved pet.
No matter how old you are, coping with the death of a beloved pet is hard. Parents of young children face an additional challenge: they may wonder what and how much to tell their child about the death of a pet. Here are some general guidelines that may be helpful to parents in this sad situation.
Explain your emotions
While it may be tempting to use euphemisms to soften the impact of the truth, it’s always best to be upfront and honest. Avoid saying things such as “We lost Sparky” to mean your pet died. To a child, “lost” has a different meaning than death. You don’t want your child to believe that their pet will be found. Likewise, “passed away” or “passed over the rainbow bridge” can seem mysterious and cause a child to wonder what happened.
Even at a young age, children can understand simple and developmentally appropriate language. It’s better for your child to hear the truth from your lips than to discover their pet has died through a whispered conversation or hold out hope that they’ll return. Grief is natural and should be discussed as a normal part of life.
It’s okay to let them see you cry. In fact, it can be a healthy way to help them understand and process their own emotions, especially if they don’t have experience dealing with death.
Questions kids may ask
Depending on your child’s age, they may ask repeated questions about your pet. It’s important for them to understand the different components of death, according to their developmental ability.
For example, all children should know that death is a permanent, physical thing. You may even use very literal language for young children such as, “Their body no longer works. They can no longer run, jump, or play.”
If you have a child who’s in elementary school or older, you might explain your spiritual beliefs to them, including the concept of an afterlife or not.
Create a memorial
Finding a way to memorialize your pet allows you to talk about your feelings while doing something tangible. Looking back at photos, reflecting on favorite memories, and sharing your feelings with your child can benefit you both. Your child may want to draw or write a poem, as these actions can help them process their feelings. You can make a photo book that specifically belongs to your child or let them choose to keep one of your pet’s toys.
Including your children in your family’s goodbye will show them you respect their feelings and understand how the loss of a pet affects them. Taking time to memorialize your pet indicates how important the pet was to you, and shows your child you believe your pet is still worthy of being talked about and loved, even after death.
One member of the betterpet team buried the cremated remains of their adored family dog under a dogwood tree in their backyard. Every year when the tree blooms, it’s a visible reminder of the happy times the family shared with their dog. Find something that connects with your family to plan a tribute together.
Understanding how children comprehend death
While all children notice when a pet dies, kids process death differently depending on their age and developmental level. It won’t be easy either way, but some children may find some comfort in being there when their pet dies.
As far as deciding whether or not to include children when a pet is euthanized, Dr. Armstrong says, “I leave that family decision and child-rearing decision to the parents. I have seen children take it better than their parents, and other circumstances when the older children take it tough when they had spent 16 years with the dog, cat, or horse that had to be ‘put down’ as they grew up together.” Unfortunately, there isn’t a magic age for when your child is ready to be present when their pet dies.
Here are a few ideas according to age categories, but, of course, every child is different and may need a different way to cope.
Infants (0-2)
Even before a child can speak, they can process emotions. While they may not know your pet by name, they are familiar with their presence and most importantly, can sense your emotions.
You might find that your young child may become clingier after the loss of a pet because they sense something is wrong. Spending more time with them and keeping a normal routine as much as possible offers reassurance that everything isn’t changing.
Preschool (2-5)
Children in preschool have a limited vocabulary, but have a curious nature and are emotionally intuitive. Preschoolers may repeat questions about a pet who has died, such as asking where they are or when they’ll come back.
It’s important to be as clear and direct as possible when answering their questions. For example, instead of saying “Luna has gone to a better place,” you should say something like “Luna was old and she died. It’s okay to be sad about it.”
Young kids may also revert back to infantile behaviors, such as becoming clingier than usual or developing new fears. A 2020 study showed that grief may profoundly affect children for up to 3 years after their pet’s passing. This is understandable: grief takes a while for adults to process, and children don’t have all of the emotional and logical tools that we do.
It’s important to allow your child to process their grief over time and provide healthy ways for them to grieve, such as crying or talking about their pet. You might even involve a preschooler in creating a memorial garden for the pet and letting them choose the plants.
Grade school (5-11)
By this point, a child usually understands the idea of death, at least in a physical sense. However, depending on their personal experiences and ideas they might’ve gathered from the media, you may still have to explain some concepts, such as the permanency of death.
It’s also usually appropriate for children in this age category to be present when a pet dies and to assist with the burial. In some cases, it can even give them a sense of finality and closure. At the very least, it helps them understand what happened to their pet. But again, it depends on the individual child.
Middle school and up (11+)
Older children understand that death is a permanent state, but may wrestle with more complex emotions such as anger, especially if the pet had to be euthanized, and remorse over the perception of lost time. It’s important to reassure your older child that you’re open and free to talk about these emotions but be sure not to force any conversations. Grief is often a slow process. Your child may want to talk about their emotions one day in the future, but trying too early may put up walls.
Helpful resources
Just like adults, every kid has their own way of processing grief. For example, if your child likes to cuddle, they may become more clingy and need reassurance through physical touch. Some kids might even find comfort in being around other animals, such as spending time with a neighbor’s pet or volunteering at an animal shelter.
Children who like to read may relate to characters in stories who’ve experienced death, even if it isn’t a pet. The children’s TV show Bluey has an episode called “Copycat” that gently deals with the reality of pet death. It’s incredibly moving even for adults, so much so that Romper covered it in an article.
GoodReads also has a list of children’s books on this subject that mostly covers preschool through elementary grades. Here are a few examples:
- Goodbye Bella: A Pet Loss Story by Katherine Pendergast
- The Rainbow Bridge by Adrian Raeside
- When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers
- Harry & Hopper by Margaret Wild
Around half of children in developed countries have a pet. Unfortunately, the natural consequence of high pet ownership percentages is that 63% of children experience the death of a pet by age 7. Since this often occurs at such a young age, the death of a pet will likely be their first encounter with death. Giving your child the space and tools they need to healthily process the death of their pet allows them to heal in their own time. It may even give them an emotional context for the other deaths they will experience over the course of their life.
Frequently asked questions
How does the death of a pet affect a child’s mental health?
Death affects children and adults, but not in the same way. Even infants sense that something is wrong and may become more clingy, although they don’t cognitively understand death or change. Recognizing your child’s developmental stage helps you guide and assist them as they process grief. It’s also important to grieve as a family, letting them see you cry and acknowledging how dear the pet was to you as well.
What is pet loss syndrome?
The impact of losing a pet transcends emotional pain. Pet loss syndrome manifests in physical distress such as insomnia, stomach aches, and chest tightness. It can even cause “broken heart syndrome” where one chamber of the heart weakens in response to stress. This condition mimics a heart attack. Acute suffering following the death of a pet may linger for around a month, but it can take years before secondary things like anxiety and depression subsides.
Should a child say goodbye to a pet?
Yes. Goodbyes are a difficult but necessary part of life. Most importantly, they can provide closure to your child. If losing their pet will be their first experience with death, saying goodbye can also help them understand the idea that death is permanent.
How do you explain pet loss to a clever 3-year-old?
Toddlers and preschoolers have a rudimentary sense of loss, but it’s probably mostly gained through narratives in books and television. A smart, intuitive 3-year-old will likely have a lot of questions and may repeat them. They may even think their pet went somewhere else, such as the shelter, or ran away. This is why it’s critical to explain as plainly as possible what death is and what happened to their pet. Even at this age, children should understand that death is a natural part of life and that their pet will not come back.
What are some children’s books about pet loss?
“Harry & Hopper” by Margaret Wild deals with grief following a sudden pet death. While it’s a picture book, it resonates strongly with adults and is most appropriate for kids 5 and up. The beloved Mr. Fred Rogers wrote a gentle book called “When A Pet Dies” that features photographs of children with their pets. Filled with his warm-hearted wisdom, the book still feels very relatable even though it was written in the 1980s. Your vet or local librarian may also be able to recommend books appropriate for your child’s age.
